The Diary of the REAL Keladry
by Always Peach
Summary: I am a Yamani. I never show my emotions, never show what I am feeling... So you want to know the real me? The me behind the mask? The part of me that I never show? Read my diary... Please R&R. CleonxKelxNealxYuki [A nasty lil' love... cube!]
1. December 12 456HE

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Tamora Pierce.

A/N: I hope everybody likes this. It's kind of romance while also being really really angsty. It's the way Kel really is without her Yamani mask on. The real her. I really liked this after I'd written it. but then again, it's angst. And I_ love_ angst! ENJOY!

The Diary of the REAL Keladry

_December 12_

_456 H.E._

Neal kissed me again today. Everything is so confusing.

Yuki has got back from the Yamani Islands. We have been talking and I have discovered we don't have as much in common as we used to.

Neal is still my best friend, no matter what happens. He says he loves me. Love confuses me. I thought he was my best friend. Nothing more. And I _used _to be right, didn't I? I don't think so any more.

Cleon is still following me. I don't really want a stalker. Cleon says he loves me too. I don't know what to do.

Yuki is in love with Neal, she has told me that. I don't think Neal likes Yuki very much.

Neal asked me to marry him. I didn't answer. He says if I don't marry him, then he might ask Yuki, even though he doesn't like- or love- her that much.

Lord Raoul keeps asking me to joust. I swear, I have so many bruises on myself that I'm nearly completely purple!

I hide behind my Yamani mask, bottling up my emotions. I use my mask so much; it's become a way of life. I don't know what I'd do without it.

Life is so difficult to lead.

When I started training, I thought the life of a knight would be all exciting adventures and glorifying battles. I guess I was wrong about that as well.

Never had I imagined when I was young, an noble distaff of Tortall, that I would one day be tangled up in politics and court affairs.

I never imagined hat I would have... this sort of relationship with my best friend. I never imagined I would be having relationships with any of my friends.

I planned on getting my shield, and do nothing apart from that. How naïve I was.


	2. Trying Complications

A/N: I am really, really sorry if I offended anyone with my last fanfic so, as you might have seen, I have taken it off. I hope it doesn't happen again.

New angsty fic for Kel. ENJOY!

LONG LIVE FAITHFUL...

Trying Complications

In the Court records, it was the coldest Winter recorded in the reign of King Jonathan and his Queen, Thayet.

Kel and Neal had already guessed that much.

They often spent nights in each other's rooms, whichever room, it didn't matter, giving each other comfort and warmth. It got so lonely and cold in the winter nights, with no one to love.

But still, even if they both wanted to love each other, they couldn't. It was forbidden. Not allowed. Against the rules. Whatever you wanted to call it; that was what it was. So they didn't, because they couldn't. Or they could, but they wouldn't. It was so confusing.

Kel and Neal were sat in her rooms, both perched precariously on the window seat, curling up to each other, and both keeping the other one warm with their own body heat. It was the only comfort either of them ever got.

"What are we going to do?"

"I'm not sure."

"Do you have _any_ idea?"

"No."

Kel sighed. Everything was so much _easier_ when they were just friends. Everything was so much simpler.

She snuggled closer to Neal and tried to suppress a purr of pleasure at the feel of his warm, soft skin against hers.

"Will you marry me?" Neal asked, gently stroking Kel's silky hair, sifting it through his fingers, enjoying the feeling of the rare pleasure.

"I don't know."

"Why not?"

"I... it would hurt Yuki."

"Is that the only reason?"

"No."

"Tell me then."

"It's... complicated."

"We're best friends. We're meant to share everything with each other," he reminded her gently, secretly hoping that they could be something _more_ than just best friends.

"I know but it's... difficult, like I said."

"Tell me."

"I want to get my shield. I don't want to have to worry about looking after a fief, or love, or having children..."

Neal, surprised by her sudden outburst, held up a hand to halt her explanation. "Wait! Children? I never asked you to have _kids_ with me Kel! Gods! You're only sixteen! I'm not ready yet! I want us to be _happy_! I want us to live together in peace; to love each other. Is that too much to ask?" _Why did she have to make everything more difficult than it ought to be_? He wondered silently.

Kel sighed, partly at Neal, and partly in frustration of the helplessness of their situation. "Yes... and no. I want to be happy as well Neal, I really do, but I can't be happy if some of my friends are unhappy. And that will happen if I marry you. Yuki will be heartbroken- she'd probably never speak to me again, and Cleon... I hate to think of what Cleon might do."

Neal groaned. Cleon always made things worse! "He'd probably try and kill me because I'd taken his 'precious rosebud' off him."

"He needs to understand that I'm not his to own," she muttered angrily.

"He stalks you." Neal tried to be reassuring, but underneath, he was bubbling in anger for his one-time friend who was now trying to steal Kel off him.

"I know. Tell me about it."

Neal moved slightly further away from Kel, dropping her head, and put his own head in his hands. "So that's it then. Neither of us can be happy for fear of hurting other people."

"That's right."

"So you can't... There is no chance...?"

"No. And neither can you."

They both looked out of the window from their position crushed together on the window seat. They watched the snowflakes dropping from the sky, both lost in their own thoughts.

They were only human.

But even humans are allowed to be happy once in a while.

But they couldn't see it.

A/N: awww! Fluff! How cute! Now review! Pretty please...


	3. January 457HE

A/N: Hmmm. Some people seemed to like the first two chapters of my fic, so here I am... writing my fic. Hmmm. I do quite like this... I think... I'm not sure it would ever happen, but hey! I can dream!

FAITHFUL FOREVER!!!!

I'm listening to rather depressing Enya songs at the moment so... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

**I like angst.** I know that was really random, but... I don't think I have a good enough excuse.

The Diary of the REAL Keladry

_January 3_

_457 H.E._

Cleon tried to kiss me today. A lot. I told him no. it's bad enough with just Neal.

Yuki is still pining for Neal. I swear, every time she speaks his name, I feel like ripping off his head and feeding him to the stormwings! It was him that started this!

Yet I cannot blame it all on Neal. It was my fault as well. If I hadn't encouraged him... well, lets just say, maybe things might have been a bit different now then.

Neal's offer of marriage still stands. I want it so badly. I want to forget about Cleon and Yuki and want it just to be Neal and I. Neal and I. Neal and I. Neal and I... without anyone else to worry about. I want to marry Neal so we can be happy _together._ Together.

The word rings in my head like paradise. Like food is to a starving man. Or water is to a parched body. It's delicious. I could spend the rest of my life being with him, wrapped in the very essence of him. I could spend the rest of my life just thinking about Neal. The things he does, the way he touches me, the way he tastes, how he smells, that special unique scent of his...

But then I get carried away into my own little dream world. In my dream, I am no longer plain old single Keladry of Mindelan, but Keladry of Queenscove, doting wife to Nealan of Queenscove. I am happy, I am contented...

Until someone comes along and brings me back into reality. The same old mess that is my life.

The endless routine of lies and deceit. When will I end? Never. After all, we are only human...

But there is something everyone should and must know. A lesson everyone should learn.

You don't know what hell is until you've been me for a day.

A/N: So what did you think? Good or bad? Ay or nay? Ya or nicht? Oui or non... I could go on for ages... but I'm not going to. So review!

It was an accident... a terrible, tragic accident. insert patronising cockney accent here Pauline Fowler, Eastenders. After her son, Martin, just killed Jamie by 'accident'.


	4. Gollum's Depressing Song

A/N: I was listening to this story while writing another chapter and it's really depressing, so I was just like, "Hey, let's put this in!"

Hmmm. Interesting.

It's called 'Gollum's Song and is sung by Emiliana Torrini in the 'Two Towers'. (Lord of the Rings.)

The Diary of the REAL Keladry

Gollum's Song © Emiliana Torrini

_"Where once was light,_

_Now darkness falls._

_Where once was love,_

_Love is no more._

_Don't say goodbye,_

_Don't say I didn't try._

_These tears we cried,_

_Are falling rain,_

_For all the lies you told us,_

_The hope, the blame._

_And we will wait to_

_Be so alone._

_We are lost,_

_We can never go home."_

Kel sighed. How long had she been singing that song for? She couldn't rightly remember. All she could remember was it popping into her head and she started singing it. Now it was stuck.

She thought it was quite appropriate really. It was depressing, which was actually how she was feeling at the moment.

_"So in the end,_

_I'll be what I will be._

_No loyal friend_

_Was ever there for me._

_Now we say goodbye;_

_We say, 'You didn't try'._

_These tears you cried_

_Have come too late._

_Take back the lies,_

_The hope, the blame._

_And you will weep_

_When you face the end alone..."_

That was exactly how she was feeling. All the lies of her relationship... Her and Neal. How they had to keep their love under wraps, away from the light of day, unable to see the sun, hidden in dark, shadowy corners.

_"You are lost,_

_You can never go home._

_You are lost,_

_You can never go home..."_

Kel groaned and curled up into a tight ball, tangling herself up in her bed sheets, exposing part of her body to the harsh, cold air in her room.

Why could she not just go to sleep?

Her mind kept on showing her a picture of Neal; his emerald green eyes glittering evilly, his dark hair rumpled in a way which made her fingers itch to settle it.

She moaned and sat up, banging her head on the headboard. With a curse, she thumped her head back down onto her pillow, falling asleep almost immediately...

A/N: Interesting. Not. I couldn't really think of anything to do so... this was the outcome... hmmm...

I was also listening to the 'War of the Worlds' on tape while writing this- a story where aliens take over the world... odd, I know.

Well, please R&R anyway... not much point, but for my sanity please do...


	5. The Light of Love

A/N: I'm not too sure about this chapter. It's slightly... odd. I think Kel is a bit OOC as well, near the end.

Read anyway!

I was listening to the Titanic theme tune by Celine Dion and Enya ('Suicidal music' – that's what my dad calls all Enya music) while reading this so sorry if it's either really soppy, fluffy or angsty!

...Oh yeah, and I was listening to the music from 'Les Miserables' as well!

The Diary of the REAL Keladry

The Light of Love

They were in his rooms that day. Not doing anything, just tangled around each other in his bed, his arms wrapped protectively around her waist, her hands placed lovingly on top of his.

She tried to work out how they had gotten there. Last time she remembered, they had been in the mess hall, eating.

She sighed and snuggled closer to him, her back still against his front, so she couldn't see his face.

Neal rolled her over and killed her full on the mouth.

She moaned slightly, and buried her hands in his dark hair, while all the time stroking the small of his neck.

He moved away from her and stared deep into her hazel eyes. She couldn't look away, no matter how hard ahe tried. Sha was captivated by his glittering emerald eyes. You couldn't get lost in an emerald. You could in Neal's eyes.

"This can't go on forever," he sighed.

"I know."

They were both unhappy. It was like a teasing game. They could be happy with each other, but both knew, at the end of the day, that nothing could become of it when other people were involved.

So what should they do? Get rid of the other people would be the most likely suggestion. Only they couldn't. because the other people just happened to be their best friends.

So what _could_ they do? Enjoy the time they had alone together.

With that in mind, Kel drew Neal back to her and kissed him fiercely.

To her pleasure, Neal responded and opened his mouth to her questing tongue.

A few more minutes of fiery passion endured, before both Neal and Kel broke away, gasping for breath.

To Neal's surprise- and possible horror- a tear trickled down Kel's cheek.

He quickly brushed it away and cupped her face in his large hands. "Kel? What's wrong?"

Kel waved a scarred hand around to emphasise her point, and to explain. "It's this."

Neal frowned. "_This?_ Why? Do you have a problem with being in my company? What's wrong with it?"

Before Kel completely dissolved into tears, she managed to say, "Because we're doing _this._ Because we're doing _this_, and I know I can't have you."

A/N: I'm not sure about that. What do you think? Maybe if I get lots of reviews I'll think about writing another chapter...


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